Sneak, sneak, sneak.
Sneak, sneak, SNEAK, sneak-sneak-sneak.
Hello! My name is Bruce, and I’m a ninja.
Now, being a ninja isn’t all just sticking to shadows, funky black garb and throwing zing-star thingies around willy-nilly. Oh no. The hours can be hellish, the conditions can be tough and sometimes you’ve just got to bung a snack in whenever you have a few spare seconds between stealthy manoeuvres.
This can lead to… indigestion! When *I* suff… huh? Whassat? ReflEx?!!! Oh, oops…
What we estimate to be the 29,652nd video game to sticky-tape the word ‘ninja’ into its title, Ninja Reflex is about the same numbered casual/party game for the Wagglebox. The premise is simple; a number of mini-game styles – well, OK, six – are used in order to train you in the way of the ninja. So, it’s kind of like the Karate Kid Construction Kit. It even comes with your own personal Mr Miyagi and meditation lessons. Woohoo!
Miyagi-san serves up the menu of mini-games replete with more stereotyping than an MCG-full of crap morning radio announcers. First up is - shock, horror, surprise! - a shooting gallery. Yes, another motherbleeping shooting gallery. They’ll be putting them in puppy simulators next. Breed your puppy-wuppy, feed your puppy-wuppy THEN WATCH THE MOFO BLEED!!!
However, we digress - just for a change.
The shooting gallery level, or ‘Shuriken’ to use the correct parlance, basically let’s you go all Shinobi on the arses of, well, some cardboard cut-out targets. We probably don’t need to say any more about how it works.
Next up is fly-catching, or ‘Hashi’. It’s not quite as boring as sitting at a summer barbie with your mouth agape, but it’s simpler. Move the pointer around and press the A & B buttons simultaneously to snag a fly in chopsticks then drop it in a bowl. Wa-hey! This’ll get that party fired-up!
If catching flies is a bit too bugular, then why not go for a fish’s jugular? ‘Koi’ is the art of catching fishies with your bare hands, by carefully stalking them then going all “aaaaahhhhh… gotcha!” on their, erm, fins. It’s basic, but those speedy little tiddlers can be beeyatches to nab.
Those who adhere to the “walk quietly and carry a big stick” way of thinking will be happier than a pig not in an oven to know that the next level is ‘Katana’. Anybody else may find it worth merely a partial eyebrow raise. Mimic the movement of the Wii-mote shown on screen to block attacks from ghost demons (known as ‘Oni’, for the goss-desperate) then slice the un-living bejebus out of them by swatting the Wii-mote around.
Five, five, five, five, let’s sing a song about five... how many is five? Umm, one more than four, goosehopper. And herein it’s a level named ‘Hotaru’. And, joy of joys (plus smacks for starting a sentence with ‘and’) it’s another bug catching affair. This time the targets are fireflies, in what is a reflex test, as the quicker the time in which you nab the shiny-non-metal-arsed insectibugs the better.
Things are rounded out with the most frustrating level of all, and the one ninja buffs have probably been waiting for – ‘Nunchaku’. Simply waggle the Wii-mote in a figure eight pattern and whap at any projectiles that come your way. Well, hold all our calls; we’re not going anywhere other than here for weeks!
To be honest, save for incessant and utterly cringeworthy “me no rikey”-styled voiceovers from your sensei (who we suspect actually IS a morning radio jock when not calling gamers “grasshopper”), the presentation here is top notch. What isn’t, however, is the depth. All six levels have extremely basic functionality, while progression (via coloured belts upwards to, yep, black) only sees extremely similar levels unlocked that serve up more of the same.
Sure, a few are varied a smidgeon here and there, but ultimately Ninja Reflex is more basic than vanilla ice cream on white bread with a boiled rice chaser. So, unless you – with or without friends – are so phenomenally bored you can’t think of anything better to do than a few vague Oriental-themed waggles, there’s just not enough substance here.
Amazingly, despite the beyond-simple movement methods utilised (Boom Blox looks like the Wii equivalent of Einstein’s brainy uncle in comparison), some levels can be utter bastards to control. While the fly catching and fishing work a treat, the stick fighting and poles-on-chains bits can be more frustrating than trying to find a Rock Band guitar that actually works properly. Oh yeah, the biggest irony? Ninja Reflex DOESN’T use the Wii Nunchuk!
Ninja Reflex is a cool idea that’s nicely presented, but it’s just WAY too wafer thin play-wise to justify its price tag. In fact, we’d still have to think about it long and hard at less than half the price - Wiiware anyone?
Wii no rikey.